I read an article about being single for ever and how hard it is to love such a person and for the person to love back. It nailed my situation right on.
I’m so scared of a few things:
- that he will leave me
- that he will stay
- that I will lose myself
- that we both love each other for all the wrong reasons
And yet I love him, and I love me. And the discussion between my self-love and the love I feel for my other half is an ongoing. For if I trust him, open up to him, will he leave me? Hurt me? Take advantage of me?
For exactly those reasons made that I was single for so long. Every time I opened up he left, betrayed me, showed his true self and I had to realize that he did not love me the way I loved him and the way I wanted to be loved: unconditional, full, passionate and monogamous.
And so I stayed single for so many years. Living a nomadic life, always being the new girl in town, always the one to leave. No serieus relationships, with no one, for why bother: I leave anyway
And all of a sudden I find myself in love. I find myself craving for his company, I find myself in arms that seem to protect me, and it scares the hell out of me.
For how do I know that this time it is real? That this time it is honest? That this time I can let go of that self regulated life I live and merge with another life. A complete total strange life, like I have to discover a complete total strange body again. Get used to his smell, his kissing, his voice, his heartbeat, the touch of his hands on my body and the feel of his skin under my fingers.
I have to get used to the way he walks, talks, deals with me, and I have to learn to deal with him
The other day I needed a water refill. Large bottle, you put it in our water dispenser and it keeps you quenched for a few days. I wanted to carry it myself from the front of the house to my cottage. He insisted in doing it for me, I said no…on the tip of my tongue were the words: I can handle, I handled this before you also you know…..such bitchy unfriendly words. I swallowed them, for his sake, for mine for us.
So he carried it for me, such a sweet and caring gesture.
This night he told me to listen to my heart. And I dare not to tell him my heart speaks a language I do not understand. For that would involve explaining about my fears, about all the mindfucking that goes on.
That would involve telling him that although I trust him, I cannot trust him, and I do not even understand why myself. So if I cannot explain it to me, how on earth can I explain it to him.
I love him, this new man in my life. I love the way he handles me. Although he is younger in years, he seems so much wiser. He seems to know the answers to questions that lingered in my head for years. And yet I’m scared to death of what is happening.
I love him, I love him to the moon and back, and I hate myself for all this complexity that I seldom dare to share with him out of fear he will walk away
I’m so used to being alone that I do not understand myself when I almost beg him to come. And when he is here I freeze in my own longing for solitude. Yet I love to listen to his heart beat, I love to feel his arms around me. I love to feel loved, I love making out with him and making love to him.
I see how much he loves me, he tells me, he shows me, and yet….
There is always that “and yet”….and I hate myself for it.
Dear boyfriend, please be patient with me, I love you, and I want your love, your presence in my life more than anything, but I’m so scared. I’m so used to being alone that it is hard to not be alone. And even you are not with me, I do not feel alone anymore. On many lonely nights I have begged the skies for this feeling. And now I am the proud owner of it I hesitate to fully enjoy it.
While every movement of you, every word, every gesture shows how deep your love for me is, I always seem to find the question-mark. And I hate myself for it. It is unfair to you. And maybe even to me.
Please love me the way you do, please do not hurt me when I open up and show you my soul, please be there for me when I feel like running away. I do not want to run away from you, I run away for the overwhelming intensity of what I feel towards you.
I want to embrace my love for you and your love for me more than anything in the world, please help me and show me the way…..