As a blogger I love to express myself, I use words, I paint imaginary pictures with words. I’m world famous for my long sentences and I take words literally, since that is what words mean, right?
A lesson learned by me at the moment is that speaking too many words is rapidly diminishing the value of what is said. In my relationship i struggle with a language barrier.
A huge one.
And it frustrates me.
So I did some research: how do others handle a language barrier in a relationship
I think it all starts with the question whether or not communication is the key to a healthy long lasting relationship. Now lots of my western friends would immediately answer that question with YES.
And I would to, up till a few weeks ago.
Now, after a talk with my boyfriend realising that he doesn’t grasp the essence of half the words I type or speak to him, I would say NO.
Yes, to me it was.
I realise that I freak him out, I discourage him to talk back by using so many words. And every time we text or chat on Facebook Messenger I forget that his English isn’t at the same level as mine and that I should shut up if I do not want to push him away in his insecurity about language.
Less is more.
Definitely in relationships with a language barrier. One needs to enjoy the silence. Be happy in the moment without those so precious words of mine.
Enjoy being together, kiss, make out, smile at his spoken foreign love language and study your ass off when you are apart to learn each others language.
Communication can spoil a relationship
Every man dreads the ‘we need to talk’ moments we women like to through at them. And overexposure of feelings and past experiences shared in eagerness to get to know each other can do real damage to the image that lovers create in their minds.
Specially in the nowadays dating scene speed is a must: within 2 dates you need to be at least certain if you want to sleep with the guy on the third date, and why waste any more time on a person that doesn’t open up around the second cappuccino when there is a whole lot of profiles waiting to be viewed.
Specially guys handle the dating thing this way is my experience. The pressure is up and the stakes are high. So we blurt our past lovers over desert and make sure he understands that we are not used to sleep around, and how many children we want or not.
And if not, we stare at our cellphone to hide our true identity afraid of awkward silences that may occur.
Lets talk less and kiss more
We have lost the art or romancing, of sitting next to each other and glance, in love to that person sitting next to you and show love without words.
But lack of communication can also backfire, you can become to physical too fast, if you really replace talking with kissing and making out, you might cross boundaries too early in the process.
You have to keep that in mind.
The language barrier can be used as an excuse to hide an immature relationship
I was reading an example of a woman dating a guy, he really had a lot to benefit from being with her, so he didn’t mind sleeping with her to show his gratitude. he picked up her language pretty fast and so did she with his, but he never got around mastering the words ‘I love you’ and ‘lets be exclusive’. And she kept telling herself and friends that it was of the language barrier.
Lucky for me my boyfriend know those words in English and he has told me he loved me and asked me to be exclusive and to be his girlfriend. So no reason for me to misuse the language barrier here.
But I still can pester him off by asking way too many questions (yes I know my weak spots!) pouring out my heart, specially about the things I do not understand when it comes to cultural differences and slowly but certain killing him softly with my words.
The guy drowns in them. And it makes him all quiet.
He told me, it was his biggest reason for not wanting to be with me. And still I did not grasp to the fullest what he was saying, for words come so naturally to me.
I hope we’re still on after my last word battle, and next time I see him i will tell him in short sentences and fewer words that I have done research, and how we can survive: meaning: me shutting up and adjusting to his style.
And for all of you that recognize themselves in this article: here are some tips I dug up from the internet
- Talk less on dates: Men fall in love with your essence, not with anything in particular you say
Benefit: it saves you wrecking your brain to come up with a conversation
- Do not fill uncomfortable silences with forced chatter
Benefits: you will learn to be comfortable with quiet
- Don’t reveal details of previous relationships, your illnesses or emotional issues or every day worries
Benefits: you still get to see your therapist and have a good conversation there.
- If angry or hurt, wait at least a couple of hours before you air the issue with your boyfriend and if possible do it live.
Benefits: This waiting period will help you respond (vs. react) and you can separate the reality from the bullshit and the mind fucking.
Bonus Benefit: By doing it live you see his reaction and can measure whether or not he understands you.