For Filipinos dating ‘a foreigner’ it seems pretty hard to let them go. They keep popping up in your present every so often, just with a quick ‘hello, how are you?’ Obviously to test the waters. Upon asking they are ‘just being friendly’ and it is by than you know this will probably last until they have found someone else.
This article is not for those being contacted. I cannot help you with that other than the obvious: enjoy or endure it or block them as good as you can.
This article is for those (Filipinos and other nationalities) willing to learn how to let go and build self-esteem by doing so.
The reason given when asked why they keep holding on to their ex is because they simply cannot stop thinking about them.
In a country where there is a huge gap between rich and poor, and with a lot of people unemployed, this might be even more so emphasized. Without wanting to go into the area of economic profit from dating a foreigner for a while and having to adjust to a normal every day lifestyle again, I cannot avoid mentioning it, for it adds to the pattern of holding on and reconnecting over and over again.
So if you are a Filipino that has dated either long distance or in real life with a foreigner and you miss the lifestyle they offered, it will be a lot harder to adjust. More so than I can imagine.
Yet, if you want to, there is a way.
These steps will prepare you for your future and a new relationship
Not being able to let go of your ex has to do with the repetitive ongoing thoughts and holding on to the past. These thoughts seem to take control of your mind and emotions, specially when you have nothing to do (f.e. late at night)
You think about your ex on special moments of the day, awaiting their good morning text or their good night text. You think you see your ex walking in the streets, or you hear a song that reminds you of them.
The circle of constant reminders and thoughts needs to be broken in order to move forward.
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a clear head? To stop those thoughts and attend to your life the way you used to?
One thing is for sure, those thoughts will not bring your ex back. On the contrary. If you share these emotional thoughts with your ex, you will drive them even further away. They will pull up defense walls around their hearts and lives that you can not break through.
So it is time you take control over your mind and life again. otherwise you will be stuck int he past for ages. And time will not heal all. There will be damage that you take along in your next relationship which is bound to fail on past experiences.
Of you follow these simple steps and add some discipline to it you will open up to a new relationship as a better person, knowing yourself and what you want for the future much clearer and therefor be more successful in finding the right person.
If you want to stop thinking about that person, just stop thinking about that person
If it were only that simple. But it is not isn’t it? If it were you would not be searching the internet for help.
And help is here. Keep reading!
In three steps you will be able to break through the circle of repetitive thoughts that is preventing you from moving on. And as practice makes perfect: it will become more easier day after day.
- 1. You must be willing to let go
The first step is accepting the relationship is over. You guys broke up. Either the other or you decided it was enough and not working. And done is done. You are somebodies ex for a reason. Get that reason clear in your head. Write it down, make a list of bad experiences and qualities if the relationship. And reread that list every time you feel you want to contact your ex or cry over past times.
And maybe you are still in the: ‘but it was all peaches and roses’- state of mind….than it is time you face reality, for there is no such thing as breaking up a both sides ‘peaches and roses’-relationship.
So step into reality and start writing what you missed, what you felt, what you picked up on gut feelings and what you wanted to be different while you were still together. What made you sad, angry, doubt?How many times did you feel alone or left out? What annoyed you about your ex? Didn’t it take forever before he texted you back? Why was that?
Stuff like that.
If it is too hard, ask your best friend. If that person knew the two of you together, he/she might be able to help you out. Your friend must have seen or noticed something even if you did not confide in them.
In the turmoil of a broken heart we tend to forget the bad times and glorify the good ones, even if there were few. our whole perspective of the relationship gets of-balance. And somehow we forget all the struggle and heartache.
A list with the bad moments can help you keep perspective and grow your willingness to let go
I keep a diary and rereading my diary helps me to move on. Every time I wallow in sadness over what is lost I pull myself out of it by reading my diary. The pain, the distrust, the lies and the gap that started to show between me and him. Only to remember why we are each others ex.
If you were not the one doing the breaking up and you do not want this relationship to be over, you can keep it alive in your imagination. To be free of thinking constantly about your ex, you must let go of him/her. Only than you set yourself free and you can open up for your own life and maybe even a new partner.
- 2. Remember there are many other like you struggling through a break up
After the break up you will feel lonely and abandoned. Your future is gone and you are kind of lost in grief. And it is okay to feel that way. yet, you must also realize that you are not alone. And that maybe you have felt like this before, in another break up. And so you know you will survive. You will move on eventually.
If you have been in break ups before you might take a closer look on how you handled that. What helped and how did you get over it back than?
If this is your first break up it will be a very emotional experience. But you will rise and be your happy self again, I promise, for many others can and do and so can you.
And although you may not have a partner (anymore) right now, you still have friends and family. Turn to them. Let them help you. Let them distract you from overthinking. Maybe your best friend can help, if you confide in this person he or she might be willing to offer you an ear when you feel you need to talk when your thoughts are taking over.
Visit family and step out of your solitude and connect with other people
And thee is always yourself. Write positive affirmations about yourself and talk to yourself in sentences like: I’m worth a good life. I’m a good person. I’m lovable. I can find a new relationship.
Listen to friends and family when they tell you the same.
You can learn to love yourself, treat yourself well and spoil yourself a little bit to cheer yourself up.
All those negative things on the list under step number 1, you can turn into a positive experience with yourself and with friends.
- Go on fun dates
- Tell yourself you love yourself
- Appreciate yourself for being you
- Take care of yourself
- 3. Picture yourself with a better relationship in the future
It is a good thing to use this time of grief and recuperation to picture a new future for yourself.
And that is the most powerful step to let go of thoughts about your ex, for there is no room in the future for your ex, that person is in the past.
What would you really like to do or accomplish? What do you need to be a whole person again? What do you want to do tomorrow? And slowly from the next day, move to the next week and next month.
When you break up with a person your future is gone. You stare into an emptiness and that emptiness needs to be filled by you.
I use the time of solitude after a break up not only to lick my wounds, but also to find my learning curve. What did I do wrong, did I do anything wrong and how did i respond to the break up? What emotions are holding me back from being happy and what I can I do to move forward.
When I have that clear, I take a fresh look at my future and I am ready to carefully start making plans:
- go to the hairdresser and have my hair done
- look at some brochures for a study, or look around for a (new) job
- start a hobby or join a club
- watch that movie I that has been on my wishlist for so long, or read that book I bought months ago
Change my daily routine back to MY daily routine, and get back on my feet again.
Make new plans, live them, follow your dreams. Name them! You can even write them down
Do not be afraid to picture yourself with another partner int he (near) future. Because you will find one if that is what you want. Maybe it does not feel like it right now, but once you have created your new future, you will grow into it.
Every time your ex pops up in your mind you follow these three steps, and believe me, it will be hard in the beginning but after a few days you will find your already on a good track to recovery.
So there is the thought on your ex:
- Read the negatives and remember why you are exes
- Turn to friends and/or family for distraction and confirmation
- picture yourself in the future and in a better relationship
If you have any questions or need guidance on how to deal with your emotions and repetitive thoughts you can contact me. As a coach and stress counsellor, I might be able to help you on a more personal base.