Why can I not let go of my ex?

Why can I not let go of my ex?

Researching the internet I found that many people struggle with letting go of their ex. So, lucky me, I’m not alone in this battle. But it is not so much a consolation when you do not learn the reason behind the excessive holding on to your ex.

Specially now, living in a country where breaking up is the hardest thing to do, culture wise and knowing that also Filipinos do not let go of their exes easily.
So more ever so it became important for me to stand my ground. For I also do fall in love very easily and I can stay in a bad relationship way too long.

Since I recently broke up with my Filipino boyfriend, I can write from first hand experience and you can learn from it.
Mainly for me there are a few reasons to hold on:

  1. Although I am a recluse, I also like company, and the balance is a bit off there. Nobody likes being alone all the time, and add to that the fact that I am a sucker for romance, I love to have someone to hold my hand. Even if it is too little and the relationship is not healthy.
  2. I am also very afraid to trust my own judgement. So before leaving someone, I want to make sure over and over again. I question others and the internet and I go through so much doubt. And since my judgement failed me many times in past relationships, I know my ex, and in that lies a trust, It is familiar ground so to speak. That is why it is so hard to let go, even though I know it is for the best.
  3. Than finally, the last stage of working through the broken heart thing, there is this reoccurring thought, almost as an obsession wondering what went wrong. Why did my ex let go of me, why did he not fight, what could I have done different, and so on and so on. There is a separate article on the reoccurring thoughts about your ex, maybe you like to read it, just click here.

If the only thing you can think about is what you can do to restore the relationship, you are holding on

Letting go in a relationship is about truly understanding what happened, and why it wasn’t the happiness that you imagined in the first place.
But it also has to do with self worth and pride.

Holding on to something that was not ment to be in the first place.
And I dare to say it that blunt, for it would not have ended if it were ment to be.

So how to let go of your ex and benefit from the freedom of that relationship?

Simpel: by working on the future.

By thinking about your ex and the relationship before the break up you put yourself and your emotions in the past. Your mental energy will drain.
You deny yourself a future and a full life by lingering on the past.

I realized, analysing my behavior that I did not only lost a relationship, but also a future.
We had plans, we had a schedule and all of that disappeared when we broke up.
It made me feel extremely lost.

The best way to overcome that of course is creating a new future for yourself and centering ‘you’.
To make that future both short term and long term and to make it realistic.

Working on that future will push the past and the preoccupation with your ex to the back

You create a new future by asking: What will make me happy and what do I need to accomplish that?

Be careful to keep it realistic, for if you don’t, you end up with a future plan that will only make you unhappy.
And it is easier to believe in a realistic future, if you picture an unrealistic future you tend up with the feeling that nothing is possible and nothing to look forward too, this can even push you further back in the past.

Create a future you can truly handle

One day you wake up realizing you haven’t thought of your ex for a while. While working on your future with dedication and investing in it, you will move forward. You will spent evenings alone, without feeling overwhelming lonely.

You will rediscover talents and reach goals set and that will give you a new sense of happiness.
From that point onward looking back will become less and less until the past becomes a healthy memory that will not drag you down and consume all your time and energy.

Your ex will be part of that past and become a memory also. And that is where he or she belongs.

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