Somewhere in the middle of the day, there is this nerve wrecking feeling, for all of a sudden I realize: within two years time I won’t be living here anymore. In this cute little home in the city centre. I will be living somewhere in the tropics, in a city I’m starting to get to know. Even more: I might be on my way to the BOI-fieldoffice to extend my visa.
I feel this tension in my belly, just below my bellybutton when I try to grasp the magnitude of this plan of mine. It is a kind of restlessness because I can’t wait to go, but I’m also so scared about doing it. Every day when I go through the amount of paperwork that needs to be done and I try to get answers to question about so many rules and regulations I do get the feeling once and a while: forget it! I’m not going, to much of a hassle. But again I will dive loaded with energy in all the stuff that needs to be done. And the next moment I’m pure terrified, terrified of going on an adventure like this, giving up all my well known secure things in holland, my social security and my comfortable way of living. To live a life day by day and not planning way ahead anymore like I love to do.
The idea of investing in micro-loans for women who want to start their own business is becoming more clear. Like many other plans. Tomorrow I will start clearing out the attic. I’m selling everything that has value, all the other stuff is free of charge collectable for whoever wants to collect it. The money I get from selling stuff is going to my savings-account and is adding fairly quickly.
Wrapping up the actual business we have in Holland takes a lot of time. Costumers know nothing yet. Economically that would be a bad choice to tell them already, they might leave, and we do need the money as it is. Only a few very close friends know about the plans of closing the business by october 2015.
Mostly I feel a happy excitement about my future. Like a child looking forward to Christmas. To say goodbye to Holland will be easy, my life here as well, it’s more that someday’s there is this whimsical emotion with a bit of doubt, reason vs emotion that sort of thing. I read lots of stories about people not making it and returning to their homeland after a few years. All their reason sound a bit absurt to me: I miss the change of seasons, I miss my family, I can’t seem to settle, that sort of things. All those things you can predict in advance. Are you close to family? Do you love the change of seasons? Are you a homely person? To all those questions my answer is ‘no’.
I can’t predict how life will be in the Philippines. I don’t know how it will smell, how the warm wind will feel on my skin, how the noises are, I’m not sure if I can handle the cultural differences and local habits. But I can prepare, and I can make the most of it and adapt as much as possible. I’ve done it before, I’ve followed summer half way around this beautiful globe, so my only uncertainty will be: can I make myself at home there?
Yes I can! Home is where my heart is, and I’m definitely talking my heart with me!